Schooled by the Tool Academy

While flipping channels, I came across Tool Academy, the latest VH1 reality show. And unexpectedly got schooled.

The Tool Academy is hilarious yet sincere: it brings together nine guys, in their early 20s, who were deemed by their girlfriends to be some of the biggest arses (or "tools") walking. You know: flirting with everything with two (preferably exposed) breasts, lying, obnoxious behavior, trying to show they're the manliest man around. Under the guise of some sort of popularity contest, the guys are enrolled in Tool Academy in a last-ditch attempt to get them to get right. They live group-style in a house for 30 days, and their girlfriends live in a nearby villa and are integral parts of the show. Each episode is centered around a theme (like "infidelity" or "humility") and the guys have to complete certain tasks in order to earn a merit badge and advance to the next round. The guys who get booted are deemed to be "just a tool"--and somewhat unredeemable--and it's up to their girlfriends to determine if the relationship can continue past the failed Academy stage.

It's like the Boy Scouts meet couple's therapy (and therapy is a large part of this show and includes the couples, not just the guys by themselves. The point is for the guys to see up front, and through impartial eyes, how their behavior hurts their partners).

The episode I keyed into today happened to be "Infidelity". Things happen for a reason, because infidelity in relationships is one of my major issues (as the cheatee, not the cheater). One of the main parts of the show was when the guys were sent to be styled by professional makeup artists, whose secret mission was to flirt with the guys and attempt to hook up with them. These sessions were taped and played back during the group therapy sessions--much to the surprise of the Tools and their girlfriends. The surprises were mostly positive in the fact that the men did not take the bait to hook up with the makeup artists--and their girlfriends were surprised because they expected their man to fall for it. Some of the surprises were...not; the men expected just as their girlfriends expected them to, and sometimes this went even beyond expected behavior (like when one guy's longtime girlfriend of six years shows up unexpectedly to group therapy, and forced the Tool to boot the girlfriend that was already on the show off---to make room for the longtime girl).

Anyway...watching that group therapy session, and the secretly taped sessions, and the reactions of both the girlfriends and the Tools, brought back a lot of emotions and memories that I thought I had worked through and got over.

Ha.

My very first boyfriend left me for someone I thought was a friend. My second boyfriend (a year later), who also happened to be the person to whom I lost my virginity, cheated on me with his immediate past ex. Add all this on top of my father drama and yes...I have a magazine rack full of issues with men (or rather, with those of the XY-chromosome persuasion).

Watching those guys just smacked me in the face with all of the lines I've heard (and have fallen for, even in my 30s). Their behavior ripped the still-forming scab off that tender part of my heart (and here I thought the scab had already formed, falling out, and the skin had gotten tougher. Ha.). Watching those girls cry when faced with the very tangible proof of their man's doggish ways felt like someone jumped on that tender part with stiletto heels--repeatedly. And, on the flip side, seeing the girls's reactions to their man's responses--even the positive ones--made me realize not only how I used to contribute to my relationship issues, but also how far I've come. And how far I have yet to go.

Every feeling of not feeling good enough, pretty enough, tall enough, smart enough came rushing back. And yes, I actually cried during part of the show, and even while writing this blog entry. I'm reminded of something I heard in a Juanita Bynum sermon (this was before her fall from grace and all that drama with her ex). She said that there will be parts of you and your mate that will never truly heal, and it's important for you to accept that. This may be mine.

I've had my share of shrinkage. I know--logically--that I'm very intelligent, and I've accomplished a lot during my time on this earth, and there is more that I still have to do. I've made mistakes, and not-so-smart choices, but I'm still standing. I know that I have a lot to offer someone in a relationship. But inside, my inner child is still quick to run in a corner and suck her thumb. And she is who I have to work with.

They say that things always happen for a reason, and The Creator makes no mistakes. There was a reason for me to be flipping channels and come across Tool Academy today, and watch this particular episode. It reminds me that I have a lot of inner work to still do, which may be why I am still single. Perhaps, at this time, I need to be.

Thanks for stopping by.