Panic (or, digging-your-fingers--into-the-wall syndrome)

I'm not normally one to panic. I'm usually the one to whom other panicked people turn, the one who talks people down from the ledge (mentally and emotionally speaking). In another life, I probably would have made a good psychotherapist, but I don't feel like going through the mental calisthenics at this stage of the game.

But now? I'm in pure panic mode.

I am embarking upon a rather radical career change that is a harbinger of a major life change as well. And it's all happening extremely fast...so fast that I have no idea what to do. Or rather, I know the practical steps to do (pack, stop electric service, forward mail, etc.), but putting thought into action has thus far eluded me.

I am in a panic paralysis.

I know I'm panicked because I had three (count 'em) glasses of wine yesterday. Three. Granted, I fell asleep on the couch for three hours afterward, but that's neither here nor there. The fact that I'm turning to alcohol to try and soothe my frazzled nerves speaks volumes, especially since I've always seen such behavior as one of weakness--and I am not weak.

While I have pulled some seat-of-my-pants moves in the past, there is usually a method to my madness. Meaning, I usually map everything out in my head, and keep my agonizing to myself. By the time people find out what I'm doing, I've already done it or are very close to doing so, which prompts cries of my being "spur-of-the-moment", "impulsive", and "impetuous." People don't like being kept out of the loop, but I've never been one to apprise people of every step of my thought process...especially since my thought processes are non-linear (to others) on a good day. :D

Still, I like to have at least a general idea of where I'm going and what's going to happen. Contrary to popular belief, I actually do like order and structure. And this new phase in my life isn't allowing for that in the way that I'd like. It's all happening so fast, it's like I haven't fully digested one event before the next one comes along. And these events are coming so fast and furious that I want to dig my fingernails into the floor, the wall, or wherever I can gain some traction as the Future drags me along, whether I like it or not. Sometimes I want to scream, "Stop the world...I want to get off!" But alas, the world stops for no one, let alone me. And the unknown is scary, especially when I can't see the actual end of the tunnel. Walking by faith (and not by sight) is a lot more difficult than it seems, especially for someone (like me) who likes to go through life with a map and a GPS system. Unfortunately, there is no GoogleMaps for this stage of my life, no cellphone with the GPS and the talking voice that tells you where to turn.

I have been in a similar situation in my life before and while it was scary going through it, it did work out. But I wasn't looking to repeat the experience...I guess life has different plans for me.

Be careful what you wish for, because you will surely get it. The only thing to do in that case is to strap in and hold on. And get another glass of wine. And maybe a doughnut.

Thanks for stopping by.

The Lent is Over!

YES!! YES!!

I MADE IT!!

40 days of no sugar, no caffeine, and scrutinizing labels like they were running out of ink...is over! I made it!

And it's Easter! It's rather appropriate, since Lent has caused a resurrection of a newer, healthier, self.

I had dinner with my aunt today and she commented on my weight loss...and on my extra red hair (I tried a different shade and it looked decent in my bathroom mirror, but when the sunlight hit it outside...WHOA! There's a reason the shade is called "Cardinal". :D

(hey...as long as it wasn't Stripper Red, I'm good to go).

This morning, I had my first cup of caffeinated tea in 40 days...and with sugar! Except I added only one teaspoon of sugar instead of my usual four. It still tasted good, so I'm going to stick to one teaspoon from now on. (of course, it did help that I used a smaller mug instead of the huge, 16-oz. ones that I usually drink tea from LOL).

At dinner, I had a glass of sweet tea...and only drank about 1/3 of it. We were too full to eat our dessert there, so we got take-out cartons. I ate a few bites of my creme brulee cheesecake after I got home...and almost got sick from the sweetness.

WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!

Pre-Lent, I would have demolished that slice of cheesecake with no ill effects. Post-Lent...nope. Maybe my body has had its share of sugar today; it must have, since I found myself actually getting nauseous from the sugar overload in that cheesecake. I had to eat something salty and drink a big glass of water to counteract it.

The 40-day sugar fast has effectively rebooted my digestive system. Not a soft reboot (like when you press CTRL + ALT + DEL on your computer keyboard), but a hard reboot (when you just shut down the power completely on your computer before turning it back on). I did expect some changes, but sugar nausea was not one of them! Perhaps I was a bit too naive in thinking that I could go back to business as usual once Lent was over. But thinking back upon the positive changes I've made to my diet, would I really want to?

I've been more diligent about reducing the amount of preservatives in my diet, and other things such as bread and refined foods. I've switched completely to whole-wheat pasta. I've switched from my beloved mayonnaise to spicy brown mustard. I'm eating a whole lot more fruits and vegetables, and drinking more fruit juice (and the 100% juice, and preferably not from concentrate -- and I can actually tell the difference in the taste!).

As a result of the Lenten removal and the aforementioned diet changes, I've lost some weight. Pants that I bought last year in an increased size because my old ones wouldn't fit...are now too big; I ended up giving them away on FreeCycle. I can get into a pair of slimly cut jeans (again, that I bought last year and I couldn't fit into before) without breaking a sweat or needing to be greased. LOL I've been sleeping very well, and I just feel better and lighter.

So no, I really don't want to go back to most of my old habits when I think back on the results I've gotten. I feel a bit like I did when I was in college, on fire and just ready to change the world. It's a nice feeling. And I don't have to be in a sugar coma to do it.

Thanks for stopping by.