Panic (or, digging-your-fingers--into-the-wall syndrome)

I'm not normally one to panic. I'm usually the one to whom other panicked people turn, the one who talks people down from the ledge (mentally and emotionally speaking). In another life, I probably would have made a good psychotherapist, but I don't feel like going through the mental calisthenics at this stage of the game.

But now? I'm in pure panic mode.

I am embarking upon a rather radical career change that is a harbinger of a major life change as well. And it's all happening extremely fast...so fast that I have no idea what to do. Or rather, I know the practical steps to do (pack, stop electric service, forward mail, etc.), but putting thought into action has thus far eluded me.

I am in a panic paralysis.

I know I'm panicked because I had three (count 'em) glasses of wine yesterday. Three. Granted, I fell asleep on the couch for three hours afterward, but that's neither here nor there. The fact that I'm turning to alcohol to try and soothe my frazzled nerves speaks volumes, especially since I've always seen such behavior as one of weakness--and I am not weak.

While I have pulled some seat-of-my-pants moves in the past, there is usually a method to my madness. Meaning, I usually map everything out in my head, and keep my agonizing to myself. By the time people find out what I'm doing, I've already done it or are very close to doing so, which prompts cries of my being "spur-of-the-moment", "impulsive", and "impetuous." People don't like being kept out of the loop, but I've never been one to apprise people of every step of my thought process...especially since my thought processes are non-linear (to others) on a good day. :D

Still, I like to have at least a general idea of where I'm going and what's going to happen. Contrary to popular belief, I actually do like order and structure. And this new phase in my life isn't allowing for that in the way that I'd like. It's all happening so fast, it's like I haven't fully digested one event before the next one comes along. And these events are coming so fast and furious that I want to dig my fingernails into the floor, the wall, or wherever I can gain some traction as the Future drags me along, whether I like it or not. Sometimes I want to scream, "Stop the world...I want to get off!" But alas, the world stops for no one, let alone me. And the unknown is scary, especially when I can't see the actual end of the tunnel. Walking by faith (and not by sight) is a lot more difficult than it seems, especially for someone (like me) who likes to go through life with a map and a GPS system. Unfortunately, there is no GoogleMaps for this stage of my life, no cellphone with the GPS and the talking voice that tells you where to turn.

I have been in a similar situation in my life before and while it was scary going through it, it did work out. But I wasn't looking to repeat the experience...I guess life has different plans for me.

Be careful what you wish for, because you will surely get it. The only thing to do in that case is to strap in and hold on. And get another glass of wine. And maybe a doughnut.

Thanks for stopping by.