I'm not crazy; I'm just a little unwell

Attention, K-Mart shoppers! And Nordstrom shoppers. And Macy's shoppers. And Marks & Sparks, H&M, and Harrod's shoppers (for my international heads).

You no longer have to feel guilty about maxing out your credit cards, spending your grocery/gas/rent or mortgage/utility money on clothes, shoes, jewelry, and the like. You don't have to feel ashamed of taking full advantage of all the deep sales that are being advertised in an effort to boost the sickly bottom lines of retail stores.

Why, you may ask? Because it's not your fault! Not really, anyway. You're a shopaholic, and guess what--it's a real illness!

Yes, folks...psychiatrists in Germany have determined that shopaholism is a "subset of obsessive-compulsive disorder" (OCD) and therefore a real illness. The United States isn't there yet, but don't fret: word on the curb is that the DSM-V (the bible of the psychiatric and psychological communities) is being put together, so shopaholism may actually get in there.

(They are really spinning this thing into another gravitational field.)

Seriously, though: Eugene Bleuler and Emil Kraepelin, who both studied under Sigmund Freud himself, came up with the term "oniomania" back in the 1900s; it refers to those "obsessed with making purchases." Bleuler even considered shopaholism (or onomania) as being related to kleptomania (the affliction of the five-finger discount).

And how does this help you and your life?

Well, next time the credit card folks come a-callin', you can tell them that you are suffering from a documented medical condition (you don't have to tell them WHERE it's been documented); there is probably a law out there that you can use (maybe the Americans with Disabilities Act) to shield yourself from harrassment, etc. You may even be able to parlay this into some extra sick time at work, or maybe stave off a layoff.

You can also attempt to enroll in a clinical trial for shopaholism, though at the time there is a lack of government funding for it (gee, I wonder why).

I'm sure there is a lawyer somewhere who is already figuring out a defense angle. But remember: if the debt don't fit, you must acquit!

Thanks for stopping by.